Are you helping or hurting the one you love ?

PAIN CAN MOTIVATE CHANGE.
Many are godly parents who have prayed and fasted for their child, yet they watch painfully as their child continues down a path of rebellion and destruction. One mother said, "I pray for my children, but why is God so slow to answer?" So what can parents or grandparents do to help their loved ones? Stop enabling!

Enabling - Offering the Wrong Kind of Help.
Enabling is rescuing your loved ones so that they do not experience the painful consequences of their irresponsible decisions. Enabling is anything that stands in the way of persons experiencing the natural consequences of their own behavior. Tracy, the young mother of two boys, has mastered the art of manipulating her family into enabling her behavior. Often arrested on drug charges, she would say to her parents, "Do you want to see the mother of your grandchildren locked up in jail?" The last time it happened , the parents were planning to mortgage their home so they could afford the bail payment.

Galatians 6:7-8 speaks to Christians about this with a simple but blunt truth. "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from that Spirit will reap eternal life."(NIV)

God's Word is specific. Christians - don't be deceived! Bad actions have painful consequences, even when our children or loved ones are involved. Thankfully, God can use those consequences for His purposes - if we don't get in His way.

When you stop enabling, get ready for more trouble!
When you stop offering the wrong kind of help, your loved ones may get very angry with you - and for a "good" reason. You’ve stopped rescuing them. Now they are beginning to feel the painful consequences of their irresponsible decisions. Just before mortgaging their home, Tracy’s parents were persuaded to stop enabling her. They let her stay in jail for almost a year - feeling the full impact of her irresponsible behavior. Angry and frustrated, Tracy accused them of not loving her. But while she was in jail, the drugs cleared out of Tracy’s system and she began to think clearly again. She joined a Bible study, became a Christian and entered Teen Challenge when she was released.

When you make a decision to stop enabling, like Tracy’s parents did, you must stand on the facts - especially if you have a tender heart. You must continue to rehearse the fact of how your loved one’s actions are destroying his or her life - and how enabling this to continue is the worst thing you could do.

Six Characteristics of the enabler

1.) Works for self-improvement. “If I were a better parent/grandparent/friend, my loved one wouldn't be doing this."

2.) Changes the environment to accommodate the person with the problem. " Let’s change schools and get our child away from those troublemakers."

3.) Takes on the whole world in defense of a loved one. " The whole legal system is corrupt, and my child/grandchild/friend is getting unjust treatment." 4.) Their pain increases. Because the loved one is still acting irresponsibly, the enabler’s pain and frustration deepens.

5.) Communications deteriorate. Because the issues are unresolved, defenses are high. Both the enabler and the loved one are often deluded about reality.

6.) Enabling is habit-forming. The enabler keeps offering the same kind of help. Sometimes the enabler derives such deep satisfaction from "rescuing" someone that he or she never assesses whether the assistance is helping or hurting the loved one.

 

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